


I Need To Do More Than Holler Just To Be Heard

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Genderbent!Alexander Hamilton
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-24 01:30:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9693902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alexandra Hamilton wrote the letter to express her feelings and her pain. She wrote under a pseudonym because she knew that if they knew that she was a she they wouldn't listen. Little did she know that the pseudonym would change her life. Now going to New York as Alexander Hamilton, meeting friends and joining the revolution, she realizes that bigger secrets are harder to hide, and that a disguised voice might just change her fate. A stubborn, forcing-herself-to-be-heard she-pretending-to-be-he just might turn the world upside down.Okay this is a bunch of one-shots in my au, where only Alex is genderbent and she goes all Mulan basically. The first few chapters are heavily implying or downright shows Lams but this au is so much more than that. Since Ham is fem and females tend to be overlooked and basically females don't work in society except for the taking care of children stuff and dinner parties and basically everything alex isn't and alex, as usual, makes a fuss about evERYTHING so watch out for that. (Yes alex will reveal herself one day) These are just a bunch of ideas because I don't have a storyline. They aren't arranged in a chronological order but I will say which comes after which.





	1. Sleepless Nights

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaa! This is my first work and this is about Fem!Hamilton and yes there would be a lot of changes because of that. And I'm in love with this idea so I'm gonna keep writing about it. So far this is gonna be about Act 1 but maybe I'll write Act 2.
> 
> Like I said this follows no chronological order whatsoever so I might go with Yorktown then suddenly Dear Theodosia the Aaron Burr, Sir then Cabinet Battle # 2. 
> 
> Not that all of these are just alternate versions of the songs, it's more like taking a few details then writing a story very different from the song.
> 
> Okay now that we have that clear, enjoy the chapter! Please comment about what you think, how I can improve and what you love!
> 
> Basically, constructive criticism is GREATLY appreciated<3!

She was awake.

She was awake and she can't sleep.

Alexandra always had a sleeping problem since her mother had died all those years ago. Paranoid that something might happen if she closes her eyes. That problem worsened when the hurricane destroyed her town. That problem worsened even more that they're in war. She wasn't a general or a soldier allowed in battle anymore, but the fact that she's still a soldier puts her in a state of danger, and one wrong move or lack of action can lead her to her deathbed.

And the moment she stepped into the ship heading to New York, she lost all her will to die, even the little parts of it.

That's why she can't sleep.

She can't die.

In a blink, one could discover her secret and she could die.

And she wouldn't allow that.

That's why she was staring at the top of the tent she shared with John Laurens (it hurt to think about him), Hercules Mulligan and Lafayette. Blinking.

People had always commented on her eyebags yet brushed it off since she was always as energetic as she was. Of course, she was always filled with fire. 

Of course she was human too and because of that she can be distracted and unfocused at times, but that doesn't really matter.

Because when she closed her eyes her paranoia kicks in. When she manages to drift off to sleep, nightmares come in.

She wasn't a screamer. She might be noisy in real life and forced herself to be heard. Her vocal cords were unable to work because she was scared to silence. She was paralyzed by fear even in her dream. She can't move.

She won't.

Maybe that's how it is in real life too. Maybe that's why nobody noticed? Maybe her screams would have woke everyone up if she did.

There was a time when she was able to sleep soundly, it was not too long ago. It was before she took that risk and put that space between him and John. He slept beside her and helped her fall asleep. He respected the space she wanted, the reason why she didn't sleep as early as he wanted but she slept earlier than she thought she would and his whispers filled her dreams.

But now that was gone.

She heard Herc rustling beside her. He was worried about her for the bags around her eyes. Laf too. He was worried but they didn't have time to express it nor have enough evidence to back it up. John...

She closed her eyes. John, she really fucked it up with John, didn't she? No, John loved her too, she could see it clearly in his eyes. He just didn't want to fight for her. He didn't want to fight for him. He was too scared of what people would think.

John. He was always on her mind. She sighed. He was the only thing she was willing to wait for. There was no use thinking of someone she could not have. At the moment. 

What was she thinking about again? 

Herc and Laf couldn't they help her either. Technically they could, but whenever they found her she was faking sleep.

She was faking sleep when Herc sat up, yawning.

She heard a deep chuckle. She felt herself sinking into sleep and she almost let herself do just that before she heard a set of footsteps leave the tent. There was shuffling and she opened her eyes.

Only to make eye-contact with John Laurens. He had a lazy smile plastered on his face and he was obviously barely awake. But when he met her eyes his eyes snapped open and he turned to the right.

She sighed, John. John. She missed him so much. He was avoiding her lately but as he was longing for her as much as she was longing for him. It was clear in his eyes. If only he would make a move, he only needed one step  because she already traveled all the way for him.

It was time to stop thinking about John. With every thought of him she was closer to falling asleep and she can't fall asleep unless absolutely necessary. She won't let herself.

She just can't go back to that hell.

She forced herself to stare up and felt herself losing to unconsciousness at times, but managing to snap herself to the world of the waking. It was a cycle that lasted hours for Alexandra, but in reality was a few minutes. 

She didn't even think about what Herc would do when he came back. She forgot about Herc.

So when Hercules came back and saw Alexandra staring at the top of their tent with bloodshot eyes, she didn't notice.

"Alex, why are you still awake?"

"I-I-" She cut herself off with a yawn. "I just woke up. I-...." She trailed off. She didn't have an excuse in mind. "I had a nightmare." Or was avoiding one.

Hercules' face fell as Alexandra turned her face to the side, facing tbe side of the tent instead.

"Oh poor you, is that why there are bags under your eyes?" He asked softly. Alex can't help but smile. Hercules really could be the dad friend sometimes. "What are your nightmares about?"

All the blood was drained from her face. She didn't tell anyone about her past. They asked where they came from, except John. He only asked once and never again. John, John, John, John.

"Nothing really." She mumbled. 

"It's not nothing if it keeps you awake." Hercules said, taking his place beside her. He placed a heavy hand on her shoulder.

She stiffened and wriggled out of his grasp.

"Don't touch me." She gasped, pulling the blankets closer to her. She was always wrapped in a blanket if she didn't have the towels wrapped around her chest to hide the way it bulges against her shirt. If someone sees anything under the blankets or if the blanket's position comes to close to her chest, she would get discovered and die a humiliating death.

She wasn't ready. She's already gone this far, no. Not now.

"Alright-" Hercules said, sounding alarmed. "Calm down."

She was tearing up and her chest was heaving. She thanked her foresight to distance the blanket from her chest. She shut her eyes and took deep breaths until she calmed down. She opened her eyes again, looking back at Herc. His hands were hovering above her. He was staring at her, his eyes full of understanding.

"Sorry." She forced a smile. "The nightmare really affected me." 

The rational decision to do is to hug someone to show support and to comfort someone. It was what everyone did. It was the right thing to do in situations like these.

But not in this exact situation.

Herc lied down and wrapped Alex in a hug, accidentally feeling the bulges in her chest. It wasn't big, only average yet it wasn't supposed to be there in the first place.

Hercules let go of Alex like she was fire.

She sat up and turned to him, hair all over the place. The blanket fell to her waist, showing her undershirt, revealing what Hercules was felt. Her chest was heaving and tears pricked at the corner of her eyes.

Hercules sat up too, confused.

"A-Alexander?"

Alexander. He called her Alexander, not Alex. She grabbed his undershirt and stared at his eyes, tears spilling out of her eyes.

"Don't tell anyone." She whispered desperately, crying even more. "Please. I beg you."

Hercules stared at her, face pale. He was staring at her like he saw something alien. She was whispering gibberish that sounded something like a string of pleases. He closed his eyes and sighed, making a resolve.

He hugged her, covering her face with his undershirt.

She stopped breathing.

For a few seconds, she forgot how to breathe and the only thing she processed is that Hercules' hands was on her back and he was calming her down, and that her secret hasn't been revealed to the General.

She snapped out of it and started breathing in huge gulps of air then eventually calmed down.

She pulled away.

Alexandra looked at Hercules, confusion evident on her features. 

Hercules smiled softly.

"You pretended to be a boy to join the military." He chuckled deeply and shook his head. "Only you, Alex."

"How did you-"

"I know you well enough." He cut her off, smiling softly. "It would be nice to learn your real name though."

"I-It's alright for you?" She said hurriedly, the way she did when there was an argument she wanted to win. "Won't you hand me over to be killed-" She was panicking again, her voice was getting louder.

"You're getting too loud." He cut her off quietly.

"Sorry." She said softly.

"And no, I won't. What kind of friend does that?" He said with a crooked grin.

Her breath caught in her throat ("I'm still alive and he won't hand me over. He won't leave me. He still considers me as a friend.") With those thoughts on repeat, she clutched his undershirt and buried her face, crying. She was whispering gibberish that sounded vaguely like a string of thank you's.

He wrapped his arms around her and let her cry. It was not long after before she pulled away.

"Alexandra Hamilton." She croaked. "My real name is Alexandra Hamilton. I washed up here when I was 19, that's still my real age. Months ago, I was a trade charter, keeping track of which slaves were being slaughtered artered away across the waves. Not long after a hurricane destroyed my town, I barely got out alive." She was crying again. Hercules reached for her but she pushed him away and gave him a look that said, 'I have to tell this.' "I wrote something, I wrote everything I went through under the pseudonym Alexander Hamilton. But I haven't been known as a girl since my cousin died. When my cousin died, I needed to pose as a boy to start making a living. I went by different boy names. Only when I wrote that letter I permamently went by Alexander Hamilton. But my real name is Alexandra." With that she let out a huge sigh, and a small smile. "That was nice to get off my chest."

Hercules looked at her sadly.

"Your cousin died? Why were you living with your cousin?"

Her eyes widened and she took a sharp breath and looked down.

"You don't have to answer." He reassured her, but she shook her head. She let out a sigh.

"No, no. I need to let this out. I was born in the Carribean, I'm a bastard daughter..."

A life story later, Alexandra was crying again and Hercules wrapped her in a hug, eyes wide. She was clutching him and was crying violently in his arms. 

"Shit....It's okay now Alexan- Alex. It's over now. I got you. Laf, John and I got you now." 

She nodded against his shoulder, barely collecting herself.

"I know." She sobbed. "I know and I'm so thankful for you guys. I'm so thankful that you didn't tell anyone. I'm so, so, so thankful." She sobbed quietly. She buried herself in his shoulder, then regained herself. She pulled away.

"Call me Alexandra when we're alone after the war." She said quietly. "Alexandra is who I really am. But here, in this tent and around others, Alexander is my name." She said quietly.

Hercules smiled.

"I'm okay with that, Alexander. Is that why you're having nightmares? Because of everything you went through?"

Alexandra sucked in a huge breath and let it out before nodding, looking at the ground and blushing.

Hercules wrapped her in a hug again.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, after everything you've been through, it's normal."

She nodded numbly. 

He lied down, gently nudging him for her to do the same. She complied, weak from all the crying and the lack of sleep. He picked up her blanket and covered her in it.

"Go to sleep, I promise I won't tell anyone." He said, his voice merely above a whisper.

She shook her head.

"I don't want to." She admitted then yawned. "I go back to my personal hell."

"Then I'll pull you back."

She shut her eyes tightly.

"It's not that simple, Herc." She said breathlessly. "I...You don't understand what I go through when I go to sleep."

He looked at her, a mixture of pity and sadness in his eyes. Alex looked away sharply. Now that she was out of her too-emotional state, she hated pity. 

"I won't let you. Trust me." He said, pulling her in a hug.

She was tired from all the crying and from sleep-deprivation, so she let him hug her. Hercules hummed a lullaby, a lullaby that resembled her mother's lullaby. She fought to stay awake, but her eyes fluttered to close, tears leaking out of her eyes.

Hercules closed his eyes too.

"Good night, Alexandra."

But she was long asleep.

In her mind, she was a child again, playing with her mother. Her life wasn't as complex, she was just plain old Alexandra.

As much as they tried to be quiet earlier, light sleepers are light sleepers. Three out of four people were asleep in the tent.

The only one awake was John Laurens.

And he wasn't able to fall asleep since he made eye-contact with Alexandra.


	2. Fluttering Eyes and Beating Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> re-write of my dearest, laurens. this is my first story in ao3 so im sorry if i kinda mess up the layout???? i rewritten it because i think this is more in character

It was a mistake.

It was just a mistake really.

John Laurens was a light sleeper. The softest whisper could stir him awake.

It all started with a yawn.

Alexander Hamilton. His best friend, his could have been lover. It was only a few days ago, when he was given his letter. It was impressively written as usual, the words drawing him in and smothering him with love. He remembered Alexander getting to the tip of his toes and pulling him close to him, a mere centimeter apart. But he remembered that Alexander paused, waiting for him to move. John pushed him away, storming out.

It was wrong. He convinced himself, his heart pounding in his chest. He remembered hearing his heartbeat loud and clear in his ears, tears in his eyes. He remembered thinking of his father's disappointed look and Alexander's pained one. He remembered those two pictures blending into one and him breaking down somewhere and Laf finding him and consoling him.

He remembered avoiding Alexander after that. It was practically impossible, since they they shared the same tent and Alexander was a force to be reckoned with. Alexander didn't bother hiding from him but he didn't approach him either. He was just there, waiting for John to make a move.

He didn't do it.

He kept the letter somewhere safe and it taunted him every day. He was just right there and John could easily reach him and kiss him. He wouldn't allow himself. Yet everyday, he was tempted to.

He wouldn't break. He wouldn't dare do it. He was reckless as hell, but even he had limits.

The only thing stopping Laurens was Alexander's gender. They would be cast out, their heads would be chopped off.

Since they met, Alexander had these bags under his eyes that seemed to worsen when they joined the revolution. He asked and Alexander never gave an actual answer, mostly responding with shrugs. When they started sharing a tent, he made sure to sleep beside Alexander to make sure he was asleep. It worked for a while, but unlike Alexander 'Non-Stop' Hamilton, he needed rest to function properly. After Alexander confessed, he switched places with Herc.

Lafayette asked about it of course, but it was a story for another day.

Laurens let out a sigh and remembered what happened earlier.

Hercules yawned.

His eyes fluttered open, and he saw nothing but darkness. Instinctively, he turned to the source of the noise. He heard a chuckle and slowly his eyes adjusted to darkness. He heard footsteps and-

Alex.

There he was, asleep. He looked so peaceful and John can't help but smile. Alexander's eyes fluttered open and he looked straight at him, eyes full of hurt. John felt his blood turn to ice and his first instinct is to look at the right. He can't look at him.

He heard Alex sigh.

His heart ached. He tried to shut his eyes, go back to sleep and forget the man he was trying to avoid. It didn't work of course, his heart was pounding for some reason and he was filled with worry. Why was he awake?

Why did Laurens care? He was trying to forget, wasn't he?

He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep, but all his thoughts were filled of Alexander. Alexander, Alexander, Alex.

His eyes snapped open. There was no use. He'll stay awake for a few minutes then he'll fell sleepy. Then he'll fall asleep.

He heard a set of footsteps enter the tent. John was suddenly on high-alert.

"Alex, why are you still awake?"

John recognized that voice. It was just Herc. He relaxed.

"I-I-" Alexander yawned. "I just woke up. I-...." He trailed off.

There was no use, was there? No matter what, he still worried about him. He still cared. He missed Alexander. He could at least...do this.

Fuck, he was so hopeless. 

"I had a nightmare." Alexander croaked.

John literally felt his heart ache. He wanted nothing more than to reassure Alexander, comfort him and watch him flutter his eyes close and eventually fall asleep, just like before. It was nothing more than a distant memory at this point. Isn't that what they were now? Distant.

He missed Alexander. He missed him _so damn much._

But he didn't have a choice but to leave, didn't he?

"Oh poor you, is that why there are bags under your eyes? What are your nightmares about?"

He knew that he wouldn't give a straight answer. He never liked to show weakness.

Alexander never liked taking care of himself.

_'Don't chide me when you do the same.'_ John can't help but roll his eyes at the memory. He remembered the time Alexander said that, it was the time he was shot in the left arm and he couldn't use his left arm for a while. He remembered how stubborn Alex looked, and how worried everyone was fussing over him yet Alexander was still a stubborn piece of-

"Nothing really."

He was daydreaming about Alexander again. He could never stop daydreaming about him, he could never stop loving him.

And it _hurt like hell._

"It's not nothing if it keeps you awake."

"Don't touch me." Alexander gasped, his voice sounding a pitch higher.

John stiffened. What the hell did Hercules do?

_Nothing worse than what you've done, that's for sure._ His mind fired back. He hardened his stare, it was not the time for that.

"Alright-" Hercules said, sounding alarmed. "Calm down."

Alexander never calmed down. Laurens thought. Herc is asking for the impossible.

Another wave of curiosity and worry crashed on John. Why was Alex freaking out? What was happening?

His eyes darted to the side before he remembered that he should be asleep. He looked straight-on, his eyes peeled. He focused at the sight in front of him. Lafayette was still in deep sleep.

"Sorry. The nightmare really affected me."

John's eyes softened. Of course that was the reason he didn't fall asleep early, John should have noticed. He should have observed him when he was asleep. He was such an idiot.

Silence.

More silence.

_Is everything okay? What's happening?_ John thought. _Did they suddenly fall asleep?_

John heard movement.

John turned his head ever so slightly to the left, where Alexander and Hercules were.

When John heard uneven breathing, that's when he started to become alarmed.

"A-Alexander?" Hercules asked, his voice perfectly fine if not confused. Was Alexander the one with uneven breathing? What happened?

"Don't tell anyone." He whispered desperately. He sounded like he was crying."Please. I beg you."

John was extremely confused. He shut his eyes firmly. He should've slept. He shouldn't involve be involved with Alexander even further. He was an idiot to stay awake. Wasn't he trying to get out of Alex's life? What was he doing?

"Please, please please _please please._ " Alexander repeated again and again, his voice getting more panicked at each word.

Laurens' eyes snapped open again, panic rising at every beat of his heart. He could never resist Alexander, couldn't he? There he was, listening again, worried for Alexander.

Who was he kidding, he could never stop involving himself with Alex.

The silence stretched on and with every second John was barely restraining himself from revealing that he was awake.

One thump and suddenly there were only three people breathing in the tent.

John's worry multiplied by ten. The blood going through him was ice and-

Oh, there it was. Four people breathing in the tent.

_What the hell did Alex do?_ John thought worriedly as the person caught his breath. _Why was he acting like this?_

_Is he okay?_

"You pretended to be a boy to join the military."

John was extremely confused.

"Only you, Alex."

What the hell is going on-

"How did you-"

"I know you well enough." Hercules cut Alex off. "It would be nice to learn your real name though."

"I-It's alright for you? Won't you hand me over to be killed-"

"You're getting too loud."

"Sorry."

John was definitely confused now. He lost them, what were they talking about?

"And no, I won't. What kind of friend does that?"

Curiosity killed the cat, and John turned his head to the left again, and now he was facing upwards. He darted his eyes to the left.

Hercules was hugging Alexander-

Why did Alexander have breasts?

_"You pretended to be a boy to join the military. Only you, Alex."_

John's head was reeling. What the fuck? This was, this wasn't possible! That wasn't a thing that happened in real life, only a crazy person would do that-

_"Only you, Alex."_

His breath was caught in his throat. Nothing made sense.

"Alexandra Hamilton. My real name is Alexandra Hamilton."

With every word, it all felt real. It was slowly sinking in and his eyes are getting wider.

"I washed up here when I was 19, that's still my real age. Months ago, I was a trade charter, keeping track of which slaves were being slaughtered cartered away across the waves. Not long after a hurricane destroyed my town, I barely got out alive." She was crying again. Hercules reached for her but she pushed him away. "I wrote something, I wrote everything I went through under the pseudonym Alexander Hamilton."

Was Alexander real? Did he ever exist in the first place? Who are you?

John watched Alex go on about hi- her story, how she needed to be a he to survive. He watched emotion fill her eyes, he felt feel her pain, her courage and the fire that fueled her. She was the Alexander he knew through and through. The only difference was the gender and it really didn't matter to John.

"But my real name is Alexandra." With that she let out a huge sigh, and a small smile. "That was nice to get off my chest."

John liked using Alex's full name because it felt good on his tongue. It was then he realized that no matter what name she used, he will always love it. Hearing her story, hearing how brave and hearing how broken she was made John love her more.

"I love you." He mouthed. He wanted nothing more than to scoop her into a hug and reassure her that no one, nothing can hurt her now.

He wouldn't let it happen.

"Your cousin died? Why were you living with your cousin?"

Alexandra looked down.

"You don't have to answer." Herc reassured Alexandra, but she shook her head. She let out a sigh.

"No, no. I need to let this out. I was born in the Carribean, I'm a bastard daughter..."

John lost himself in Alex's story, letting himself feel what she felt. He didn't realize he was crying. She was an angel, a true angel who didn't deserve any of that. He was clutching his blankets because if he didn't he knew he would hug Alexandra. She didn't deserve that. He loved her so much, he missed her so much. He didn't realize how much he loved her until he realized the pain she went through.

"Shit....It's okay now Alexan- Alex. It's over now. I got you. Laf, John and I got you now."

_"I'm so sorry and I love you so much."_ John mouthed, hot tears escaping his eyes. He could only watch as Herc clutched Alexandra desperately, protecting her from her past and all her troubles.

John shut his eyes and bit his lip harshly. He wanted to do that so badly. He was thankful and jealous of Herc.

She nodded against his shoulder, barely collecting herself.

"I know." She sobbed. "I know and I'm so thankful for you guys. I'm so thankful that you didn't tell anyone. I'm so, so, so thankful." She sobbed quietly. She buried herself and after a few seconds she pulled away.

_You should forget me._ John thought sadly. _I shouldn't give you more pain. I should be there for you. I shouldn't have left you._

_I'm sorry._

"Call me Alexandra when we're alone after the war." She said quietly. "Alexandra is who I really am. But here, in this tent and around others, Alexander is my name." She said quietly.

John opened his eyes and let a smile grace his lips. _Alexandra. One day, I'll call you Alexandra._

"I'm okay with that, Alexander. Is that why you're having nightmares? Because of everything you went through?"

Alexandra breathed in and looked down then Hercules wrapped her in a hug again.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, after everything you've been through, it's normal."

_You shouldn't be embarrassed._ John thought solemnly. _It's not bad to be weak at times, you know_. He really wanted to say these words to Alexandra, the words wanted to escape his lips and he wanted her to hear it. He could only watch.

And it made he _literally_ felt heart bleed. It hurt so much to watch and just _watch._

Alexandra nodded then Hercules lied down, gently nudging him for her to do the same. She complied, which hurt John. She really was tired. Herc picked up her blanket and covered her in it.

"Go to sleep, I promise I won't tell anyone." He said, his voice merely above a whisper.

Guilt filled him. He shouldn't be awake. He shouldn't even know this.

Alex shook her head.

"I don't want to." Alexandra yawned. "I go back to my personal hell."

And those words impaled John. It showed how fragile she was, and John wanted nothing more than to cradle her safely in his arms. Reassure her as her eyes fluttered shut and protect her from the world.

For now, he'll let Herc do that for him.

"Then I'll pull you back."

She shut her eyes tightly.

"It's not that simple, Herc." She said breathlessly. "I...You don't understand what I go through when I go to sleep."

He bit his lip and cried even more. She needed someone to protect her, even if she wouldn't admit it. He would be her knight, John swore.

_I'll be there for you._

"I won't let you. Trust me." He said, pulling her in a hug.

John thanked Hercules so much in that moment. Thank you for being there for her when I can't. He thought.

Hercules stared at Alexandra, his eyes full of love. Not the way John loved Alex, the way Alexandra loved Lafayette and Hercules. Alexandra slumped against him and John could only assume that she fell asleep. Hercules closed his eyes too.

"Thank you." John whispered, his voice inaudible. He closed his eyes to collect himself. He calmed down slightly but he was still crying.

"Good night, Alexandra." Herc said softly. John opened his eyes and saw the way Herc's face was relaxed. He was asleep.

John sat up and hugged his legs. He let his tears sink into his blanket. He let every wave of emotion crash unto him and he let it all out. God, he was an idiot for leaving her. But what about his father?

He straightened his back. What about his father? If he gets figured out, Alexandra may or may not reveal herself. If he gets caught with another man, that would be an embarrassment. If he is caught with a female pretending to be a male, who has joined high ranks at this point, that would be a ruckus.

Either way, nothing is good.

But Alexandra...she needed him. They needed each other, that was crystal clear. Separation was hurting both of them, and Alexandra didn't need more hurt in her life.

_Fuck_ , he missed her so much.

He let himself hit the floor. His tiredness caught up with him, his body begging him to sleep. 

The last thought he had was Alexandra's determined face and the people's judging face.

* * *

 

The problem with being an immigrant is you have no idea how different the culture is from yours. And how confusing people are. A great example are his friends, John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton. It was only a few days ago when he saw John breaking down in their camp, Lafayette rushed to him and hugged him, asking him what was wrong.

_"I love Alexander and he just confessed that he loves me back."_ John had sputtered out between sobs.

_"Then go get him."_ Lafayette had answered calmly, soothing his curly haired friend. _"You're the only person who could match his fire. You two are the perfect match."_

John shook his head vigorously and just clutched Lafayette and broke down further. Later he and Herc switched places in the tent. He remembered the confusion in Herc's eyes and the hurt in Alex's. He remembered how unreadable John's face was. Everyone could see how the two were longing for each other yet John was still avoiding him.

He tried to talk John out of it, convincing him to stop hurting them both. John answered,  _"We have a war to win."_ listlessly every time. And that as saying something, because he always had fire in his eyes when he said that. When he hung out with Alex, Alex acted normal except he was there was always hurt in his eyes and he would refuse to talk about his feelings. Not that he ever liked talking about his feelings, he just refused to talk about it with more conviction this time.

Lafayette started to press them and rush them but Herc stopped them, saying that they should give them space. Lafayette saw him as the voice of reason and didn't question him.

Back to the original topic, Lafayette was confused by his friends actions. John was the first to wake up, as usual. He gently nudged Laf and Herc, but he didn't move Alex. As Herc stirred, John lead Laf out of the tent.

Lafayette noticed that everyday, Alexander was always the last one to get out of the tent.

"It's rather weird that Alexander, the man who just may be the human embodiment of determination, is the last one to get out of bed. That is rather weird, _non_?" Lafayette joked, grinning. John's eyes widened and he looked at Lafayette before he seemed to calm down.

"Did I use the figure of speech correctly?" Lafayette asked.

John snorted and grinned.

"Yes you did Laf. Now c'mon, let's see what His Excellency needs." John said lightly, but Lafayette saw the hurt shining in his eyes.

_Mon dieu, Americans are confusing._

* * *

 

War wasn't easy, war isn't your typical environment. War means you might die day in every that passed. War is dangerous.

Alexandra knew this through and through. That was the reason why she lived like there was no tomorrow, it's because there just might be no tomorrow for her. Every mission, people died.

It was only a matter of time before they went to their separate missions. Lafayette was going to a mission on the sea because the ship they were going to use was from France, Hercules and Alex were assigned to a land mission and John was assigned to stay and guard the camp.

Laf, Herc, Alex and John were in the middle of camp, chatting. There was still obvious tension between John and Alex, they talked to everyone except each other. They barely even made eye-contact. Both John and Alex were visibly stiff.

"Soldiers! Go to your stations!"

_"Au revoir, mes amis!"_ Lafayette grinned, waving.

Herc shuddered.

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one seeing that bloodthirsty glint in your eyes." He said, only half-joking.

The four burst into laughter.

"Please, as if we don't see the same thing in Alexander's eyes." John shot back, looking straight into Alexandra's eyes. The carefully created light atmosphere disappeared and the tension replaced it.

Lafayette looked at Hercules intently, mentally asking him what to do. Herc shook his head, watching John and Alex.

John and Alex were also staring at each other. Alex was staring at John, she was standing rigidly and her eyes were wide. John was staring at her, a question in his eyes and his posture slightly hunched.

He was asking to be forgiven.

Alex grinned.

"Shut up, John! As if we don't see the same glint in your eyes." She shot back, the tension in her shoulders dissipating.

The tension in the whole group disappeared too and they all laughed. John stared at Alexandra can't help but stare at John too.

"Heh, even Hercules has his thirst for British blood!" Lafayette punched Hercules' shoulder lightly with a teasing grin.

Hercules rolled his eyes in response.

"Well duh. We're in this war after all." He snorted, shaking his head. "I'll get going now, because unlike you idiots I don't want to get kicked out of camp just because I'm late." He said, disappearing into the crowd.

The three looked at the spot that was occupied by Herc.

Lafayette took the hint and was poised to leave too. "Like I said before, _au revoir mes amis!_ "

_"Á plus tard, mon ami!"_ Alexandra called after him.

She heard a faint _"Á plus, Alexander Hamilton!"_ In the noisy crowd. Only John and Alex were left.

They stared at each other, not sure of what to do. They looked at each other, waiting for the other to make a move.

John grinned awkwardly.

"So, shouldn't you go after Herc?"

Alex bit her lip. The tension was slightly suffocating.

"I should." She replied, returning the awkward smile. The tension returned to her soldiers. They were both standing stiffly.

She turned to leave, but John wrapped her in a hug, making sure to avoid her chest. Alex turned around, surprise evident in her features.

John's eyes were heavy with affection, his hands on her shoulders.

"You better come back later. I still have something to say." He said, his voice heavy with concern and barely hidden affection.

Alexandra smiled. It was not teasing nor light. It wasn't wistful either. It was a smile her mother used to give her back when they were both sick. It was a reassuring smile.

"Well, I couldn't wait to hear it."

What John noticed was her voice was very feminine in that moment, the way when Alexandra was so sincere that she couldn't fake her voice.

He was captivated by her gaze. It was just the two of them, and time stopped. Her brown hair was tied into a ponytail as always, but it was a sloppy ponytail and strands were flying everywhere, some landing on her forehead and some was tucked behind her ears. Her head was slightly tilted to the right and her eyes, which were previously bright dropped to a slightly hooded gaze. Her eyebags from staying up stood out. There were faint scratches on her right temple and by the right of her jaw and one below her left eye. Her lips were chapped and dried and they were slightly parted.

Alexandra was the first one to snap out of their reverie.

She smiled.

"See you later, John. I have something to say later too." She said, like whatever topic they were going to have earlier is normal. John had a hunch it wasn't.

John smiled, quite pained. She could die and he might never hear what she wanted to say. _She's going to rise up._ He thought. 

"You better." He said, cracking a grin. The atmosphere obviously lightened and she placed a hand on her hip. A cocky grin played on her lips.

"Well, what else can you expect from me?" She said confidently. Light shone in her eyes.

John shrugged, his head tilted slightly to the left and his a playful smile on his lips.

"Pfff that's right, what was I thinking?" He said mockingly. "Who could ever beat the all-knowing Alexander Hamilton?"

Alexandra snorted.

"No one, that's who." She said sarcastically.

Her faux smug expression was replaced by a reckless one.

"See you later, John. We have a war to win." She said, determination clear in her eyes and her posture ready to fight.

"We have a war to win." He echoed back, grinning. "I'll have to go before I'm late." He said, turning back.

"You're right. See you later!" She said brightly before disappearing into the crowd, her strides wide. Her posture and expression showed that she was very damn determined to win this war.

John looked at the sky. She was right, they had a war to win. No matter what the outcome was, he will fight like it was his last breath. It will be chaos later but he will make sure there was something good that will happen out of the chaotic shit that will happen.

They were going to fight, and they were going to _win._

□■□

John assumed correctly. It was chaos. Both of the teams were coming back and there were many soldiers injured. He was thankfully uninjured himself, just a bit roughed up. John was helping the medics but soldier after soldier is delivered in. Curses and wails of pain filled the tent.

As he was helping them bandage the soldiers, he can't help but wonder if his friends were alright. The fact that they weren't in here means that they were either unharmed or....

He wouldn't dare think of the other option.

The fabric slowly seeped the blood from the bullet injury, but the soldier was still gasping for breath, sticky sweat sticking to his pants. The medic gently grasped the hands of the injured soldier, helping him calm down.

John gulped as the red blood stained the white fabric. It was an abdominal injury, it was still not clear if the soldier would survive or not. The injury was fatal and he could or could not be salvageable.

"Tell my wife..." He gasped, tears leaking out of his eyes. John had a grave expression on his face.

"Sir you need to calm down you are going to live." The medic said calmly but John was around medics long enough to read past their stoic expression. The medic, Carl, was panicking.

The soldier smiled, obviously in pain and shook his head. 

"I love her. My sweet Vanessa....." He trailed off. "Tell my mother I'm sorry. She didn't want me to go..." Light was slowly fading from his eyes. John was sweating himself. "They didn't want me to go...." With that, he fell limp.

John himself had his hands balled into fists. Theoretically, he should be used to it. He was used to death. He was sweating because they lost him. He was might be salvaged and he lost him.

"Lieutenant Colonel Laurens." Carl said flatly. He was staring at the ground. Both of them were feeling the same. "I think you've done enough. It's time for you to rest."

John nodded and stood up. The tent was cream colored and there were injured soldiers everywhere and medics attending to them. The scent was thick with blood and death.

He carefully tiptoed around all of them, avoiding the groaning soldiers and the medics who were attending to them. Some soldiers were rushing in, carrying their injured comrades. John brushed past them and breathed in the night air. It was a fresh change from the disgusting scent that filled his lungs earlier.

He looked at the stars. He didn't know if the British have found them and is about to attack but all he knew is he needed to pass out. The night was calming, the stars twinkling softly against the midnight sky and the half moon glowing brightly. If he looked long enough, the black sky became a dark shade of violet.

He can't help but wonder about the clueless families who lost their fathers, husbands or sons tonight. Suddenly the cool air chilled him. He looked down and wrapped his arms around himself.

What about his own family? Where was Laf, Herc and Alex? He tuned into his surroundings. The camp was noisy with soldiers talking to each other. John kept his head down and went to the familiar path which was the way to their tent. He eventually found his way in front of their tent. It was bright, there was a source of light inside. There must have been an oil lamp. Three shadows were painted upon the tent's blank canvas.

He entered the tent. Herc, Laf and Alex were sitting on the floor, forming a circle and the oil lamp between them. They were laughing, but the atmosphere wasn't as light as it could have been.

"Hey guys." John said upon entering. His three friends looked at him and they all looked relieved.

_"Dieu merci!_ John, I was so worried about your whereabouts." Lafayette said with his slight French accent. He was smiling, obviously relieved.

"I told you he was just in the medic tent, helping the others." Herc said, slumping down. He looked really tired this night.

Alexandra gave a sheepish grin.

"We couldn't check up on you since the others really needed to go to the tent and it was obviously full." Alexandra explained. "We were really getting worried though."

"Meaning." Herc said flatly, making Alex pout childishly and Lafayette snicker. "We had to stop Alex from barging in there and the explanation he said? We had to repeat it ten times before it got through his head."

John smiled, a bit tired himself

"I always help there if needed." He explained, squeezing into the space between Alexandra and Laf.

Jobn let out a yawn and rested his head on Alex's shoulder. Herc and Laf shared a look.

John really looked at them and noticed that Herc and Alex looked dirtier than usual. He sat up properly.

"Woah, what happened?" He asked, looking at the two aforementioned people. Herc and Alex were dirtier than usual, their faces slightly darkened by smoke and grime smudged on their body and clothes, along with the face.

Alex grinned brightly.

"Like we were talking about earlier, we stole some cannons from the British!" She hissed excitedly. She was obviously trying to keep her voice down. "It's already delivered to General Washington, now we have more canons and the British will definitely have a taste of their own medicine."

Emotions filled John at once. Anger and concern at his recklessness, pride for pulling it off and envy for not being there.

"You idiot!" John hissed angrily, punching Alexandra on the shoulder lightly. "That was dangerous as fuck and you could've died!"

Alexandra scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"As if you won't do the same thing." She retorted, kicking his shin with the same ferocity John used (meaning, it barely hurt). "I bet you would've joined me while smiling like a damn stupid monkey!"

"I don't smile like a monkey and who the _heck_  even smiles while in a mission?"

"Talk less, smile more." Lafayette imitated Burr, leading all of them to burst out in laughter.

 

"Seriously, let's sleep. Not all of us have an unlimited supply of energy." Herc spoke up, obviously tired.

"Oh." Alexandra suddenly said. She looked at John, suddenly looking unsure. "Can you guys get out for a moment? John and I need to talk about something."

Lafayette snorted.

"Of course you couldn't just get out yourselves. I mean no rudeness, that was simply a statement." He said, rolling his eyes. He got up, helping Herc stand up too.

"Suit yourselves." Herc said drowsily, following Lafayette out of the tent.

John stared at Alexandra awkwardly, who was staring at the ground. He can't help but notice the way her face was reflecting the light from the lamp and the grime was smudged all over her face. Her hair was released from it's ponytail and the strands were flying everywhere.

John sighed and held the end of his sleeve and rubbed her forehead, removing some of the oil on her face and spreading the grime. He sighed irritably and rubbed again until the grime was gone. Alexandra was staring at him curiously with a hint of irritation.

"What the hell are you doing?"

John put his hand down.

"You look like shit." He simply replied.

"Thanks." She replied, sarcasm dripping down her tone.

Alexandra and John stared at each other again, unsure of what to do. They looked at each other curiously, allured by each other but they didn't know what to do.

John sighed and looked down. He looked back at Alexandra and tucked a few strands of her hair behind her ears. She leaned into him. She looked up at him, the fire from the lamp reflecting on her eyes.

Nervousness bubbled in his stomach. He felt his heart pounding and they were staring at each other again, trapped in a trance. John wanted to say something but he was afraid.

He remembered the dying soldier he failed to save and he can't help but think that it could happen to Alexandra. She was too damn reckless and _she freaking stole British cannons._ No one knows what she could do next. Hell, he knew he'd do something to top that because he was reckless as hell and he knew that because of that he might die. Or she will, because she was just that type of person.

"I love you." He said earnestly, looking at her carefully. He watched as red bloomed on her dirty face and how her eyes widened and her pupils dilated simultaneously, her mouth was slightly parted. She turned to the left sharply and John inched away slightly, confused. She blew the fire out and set it down carefully. John can't help but see (before she blew out the fire) that her eyes had the same fire it had earlier before they went into their separated to their separate missions.

He was plunged into darkness. He felt someone yank him to the front and he felt hot breath fan his face. He inhaled.

John snorted and pushed Alexandra away, starting to laugh slightly.

He heard gritting of teeth.

John quickly shook his head.

"No, no it's not that." John said, quickly turning serious. "It's just that, we haven't brushed our teeth in forever and it's starting to take a toll on our breath."

He heard snorts that progressed into silent laughter. John's eyes already adjusted to the darkness, Alexandra was in front of him, her hand covering her mouth and amusement danced in her eyes.

"Well can you blame me?" She asked flirtatiously. "I want a taste of that Laurens." She said, scooching over to John.

John rolled his eyes.

"If you needed a kiss, all you needed to do was ask."

Alexandra looked up at him, cracking a mischievous grin.

"I'm asking for one now."

John smiled back and closed the gap between their faces, kissing her lightly. She laughed lightly and wrapped her arms around him, closing the gap between the two of them. John's eyes fluttered open and he can't help but think that she forgot to hide the fact that she was a he, because he felt the slight bulge that was her towels. Alexandra pulled away, slightly confused.

Right. So they were in a relationship now, will he tell her?

"Are you alright?" She asked, slightly worried.

He can't help but think that her worries would multiply by ten if she knew. He remembered how she gasped and cried in worry when Herc found out.

He'll wait for her to tell him. Then he'll tell her that he knew all along? Or will he just play along and pretend that he didn't know before and keep that secret to the grave?

John shook his head.

He'll figure it out when the time comes.

"I can't believe this is real." He said breathlessly. "This is actually happening."

Alexandra knew that something was on his mind but she let it pass. It's probably just his father.

"Thank you." She said sincerely, sighing slightly. "I'm glad you chose me."

He shook his head.

"I'm sorry for leaving you." John said solemnly. "I shouldn't have ever hurt you like that."

"You had problems of your own. It would have been hard to choose."

"Still-"

"We'll argue forever if we don't stop right now." Alexandra said flatly.

John snorted.

"You always get the last word, don't you?"

"Technically Lafayette did earlier-"

"You just proved my point."

Alexandra hummed in response and leaned against him, sitting on top of him and resting her head against his chest.

"I'm glad you're mine now."

"Me too."

John rested his chin on her hair and placed his hands on her stomach. They stayed in there in calm silence, relishing in each other.

"Alexander, someone is looking for you!"

Alex and John let go of each other like fire. Alexandra flashed him an apologetic grin and scrambled to her feet. She looked back at him, staring at him softly.

"Is this alright for you?" She asked quietly. John understood the subtext. They'll be like this, all the time. Hiding.

He nodded, staring back at Alexandra affectionately. Alexandra let a small smile form on her lips and she left, letting a gust of wind enter. Hercules and Lafayette entered soon enough.

"I'm happy you two finally figured something out." Lafayette whispered gently. "But I wish you didn't have to blow out our only source of light." He continued irritably.

John laughed sheepishly in response.

Hercules let out another loud yawn.

"So, who are you gonna sleep beside?" He said drowsily.

John paused. He would love to sleep beside Alex but he knew only Herc could invade her personal space in sleep.

He grinned tiredly, the events of the day catching up to him.

"Just like last night. I might hog he-" _Shit._ He almost slipped up. "I might hog him the rest of the day, so take your sweet time."

Herc grumbled something under his breath before took his position. John crawled to his side of the tent, Lafayette already at his.

"I'm really glad you figured things out." He said genuinely, looking at John gently. "You really...ah, sorry for my choice of words, looked horrible that day. I'm glad you made the right decision for both of you."

John smiled.

"Me too. Thanks for being there for me, _mon ami_." He said, trying to imitate the right pronunciation as he lied down.

Lafayette let a soft chuckle escape his lips, lying down himself.

"You're welcome, my friend."

John thought if he should stay awake for Alexandra, since the other two would definitely be asleep. But then Alexandra would find it harder to find a way to unwrap the towels from her chest.

_That's definitely unhealthy._ John thought, fluttering his eyes shut. _Don't worry Alex. Herc and I will cover for you._ With that, he fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> DUN DUN DUN! Yes I am already working on that chapter and in fact, I am done with the whole 'how john is gonna react' part. Now I'm working on how that will affect them. Basically I've started on it but I won't finish it soon bc school is sucking up my creative juices.
> 
> I don't have an update schedule just whatever comes out of my mind oops.
> 
> Constructive criticism is GREATLY appreciated. Scratch that, any kind of review/comment is appreciated<3
> 
> Oh yeah speaking of comments/reviews, what title is better? It's either I Need To Do More Than Holler Just To Be Heard or I Wrote My Way Out And Blotted Out A Few Details? I seriously can't choose.


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